This topic cannot be left unattended, since women often come to a family psychologist with a complaint: «He doesn’t love me anymore, help me, what should I do?» We decided to talk about the problem of a man returning to a relationship and at the end we offer our own way of solving this sensitive issue.
If you look at the different situations that people come to a family therapist with, one interesting conclusion can be drawn:
There are no men who do not cheat — there are women who do not cheat.
This thesis does not blame women and does not protect men. Believe me, a husband loses a lot when he cheats on his wife, and there is nothing that could justify one spouse cheating on another. It is important to understand that nothing can justify cheating, but there are things that can explain cheating.
The first reason is that a man got caught. It happens that a woman does, well, just everything in order to develop relationships, but for some reason their betrothed goes to visit a friend, work colleague, etc. Here they are advised to leave, as if the sailors had fled from a sinking ship. The fact is that psychologists are sure that such men cannot be changed. I don’t want to write this. Just read the article further, as we cannot know for sure if your man is like that, or if you are mistaken.
Another reason is that the woman herself believes that all men tend to change. Each person lives in the world that he has invented for himself, and he constantly finds confirmation of precisely those facts that he believes in. Moreover, in the case when a woman sees in every man a lustful animal that is not capable of having monogamous relationships, she somewhere in small, somewhere in big steps comes to the fact that her partner is cheating on her. In this case, she thinks not at all about what a mentally balanced woman should think about, that is, she is not in harmony with herself. Fixation on betrayal and conviction in the polygamous nature of a man leads to the fact that the wife does not fulfill the function of relaxation, which is so important for every man. This is so because the woman in this case is engaged in self-flagellation, investigations, while there is a lull on the personal front.
And as a result, a terrible thing happens — a man loses interest in his wife.
About losing interest
During the period of falling in love, a man feels an increased production of endorphins and other hormones of happiness. Love hormones are a drug because they cause excitement and happiness. Simply put, falling in love inspires a man, and he literally climbs out the window without insurance on the fifth floor. After 3-4 months, endogenes will cease to be produced more often than usual, since the period of falling in love will end. The same man, after 4 months, will come to the entrance, look at the 5th floor and say: «Well, what the heck. Am I crazy?»
You can not expect madness from a man after a long time of your relationship. Candy-bouquet romance is a wonderful time, but only the first time. When you have lived in passion and thrills, it’s time to move on, strengthen your relationship, get closer, form intimacy, trust, respect for each other and much, much, much more that is in a serious relationship. Sometimes wives feel that their husbands have stopped loving them because the latter lost their love. Maybe fell out of love! Only this suggests that there was a reason — that is, here we return to the beginning of the article and start, like a squirrel in a wheel, to run in circles: the wife does not trust her husband — the husband does not see trust — the husband finds solace on the side — the wife reinforces her insecurity — the wife does not trust her husband — the husband does not see trust … If there is no such thing in the family, but the man loses interest in his wife, this says a little about something else: love is over — it’s time to build other feelings. At this moment, the wife, instead of building new feelings, blames her husband for the fading of passion. She says: “You used to give me flowers and take me to a restaurant, and now we don’t leave the house for a month.” “You give me less time.” “When we met, your eyes were burning, and I believed that you needed me, but now it’s gone, as if everything inside you has gone out.”
This leads to self-fulfilling prophecies. Well, what kind of passion can there be in a relationship with such conversations? Imagine that you are told: «Do you want ice cream? It is so sour and liquid …»
Did you feel? Delicious? That is why a man will never find interest in such a relationship. He may try to become better for the sake of his beloved wife, but it will be like a comedy plot in which Galya cooks tasteless meatballs, but Vasya endures and, gritting his teeth, praises her food. Do you want the relationship to be like this? Psychologists say that interest does not disappear in women who think maturely, that is, they think not about how her man is a slobber, but about how she needs to act in a relationship so that the sweetheart does not lie, did not look for affection on the side and was always happy next to her. All. You don’t have to go to meatball cooking courses or intimate practices. There is no need to go to the gym with the idea of a fix, they say a man will not look towards other women if his woman is supposedly with a perfect figure. This is nonsense, fortunately for all the ladies.
«We’re all bad»
In no case should one turn a blind eye to problems in relationships, but the phrase: «We are all bad» is not true in this case. It can’t be bad at all. Moreover, family psychologists ask clarifying questions: «Is everything bad with you?» «Is everything bad with him?»
This causes a person to crave self-digging. This proves the fact that in fact we look differently at our feelings and the feelings of a partner. In most cases, either the wife chooses her comfort for the sake of the comfort of her husband, or she retains his comfort, sacrificing herself and her feminine «I». In most cases of problematic relationships, not at all. It is difficult to say which relationships are more: healthy or unhealthy — the sample will always be limited to those who decided to go to a family therapist, and how many husbands and wives with these problems remained in the shadows is unknown.
Working with MAC
I like working with metaphorical associative maps because in it a person asks himself the right questions without imposing long sessions with a psychologist. Yes, you can pay your psychoanalyst for several years, who saves you from childhood trauma, but you can try an easier way — to decompose the MAC deck and do effective psychological work yourself. In the case of rebuilding a relationship with a spouse, this is a very good way to start.
Take, for example, the «PRO relationship» deck and the «Marriage Games +» set from the MAK.arcanes publishing house: it includes such decks as «Marriage Games», «Flowers of Her Soul» and the «Relationship» matrix. That is, this set includes two decks at once, with the help of which a woman works out motives in relationships, emotional states, her fears and actual needs, and also finds ways to solve problems that have arisen.
Author: Irina Fedorova
For example, in the «Marriage Games» deck there is such a layout (there are several of them):
Alignment «What am I in a relationship?»
It is advisable to draw cards for all positions of this layout in a closed one. A woman may think that she knows how she behaves and what kind of relationship she eventually builds. However, this is not always obvious to her. This alignment will help you see yourself and your relationships from the outside, realize your mistakes and find the right way to behave.
1. How am I in relationships with the opposite sex?
2. What kind of relationships am I building?
3. What am I doing wrong?
4. What kind of relationship do I really need?
In fact, you have already found all the answers: it remains only to discuss how you feel looking at each of the cards drawn to your question. How might this describe your current situation with your spouse or boyfriend? Having worked through this exercise, you move on to the next one according to the instructions, and at the end you have a much clearer understanding of your relationship in your head.
© Ivan Chernetsky, specially for MAK.arcanes Publishing House