There are no other people’s children? How to deal with children from ex-marriages


It is not always possible to save a first marriage for life. Many families get divorced if the relationship, for a variety of reasons, has reached an impasse. Most of all, this affects children, since it is they who will have to live between two fires all their lives. In the event that a man remarries, his new wife will also not be easy — it is necessary to find a common language with children from a previous marriage. Sometimes children are hostile towards the new mother and the only solution in this case is to find compromises and find a common language with the children.
In this article, we will try to figure out how to do this, and how not to let negativity get in the way of family happiness.

Here are some common options that may arise in such a situation in a new family:

1. Often, after a divorce, the father of the children continues to maintain relations with them — he comes to visit with gifts, takes them away for holidays or weekends, while the new spouse is forced to come to terms with such visits and communicate with the children in the most pleasant way, even if it herself gets out of myself.

2. The father of the child, on the contrary, refuses to establish any contact with him after the divorce, but the ex-wife constantly calls and tries to appeal to his conscience, demanding at least minimal participation.

3. An older child can contact the father himself and even come to sleep in a new house. The newly-made wife may also not like this, but she is not always able to influence the situation.

4. By decision of the court or of his own free will, the father may become the guardian of the children from a previous marriage. In this case, the new companion should really take up their education.

How to behave properly with your husband’s children:

  • Do not forbid the father to see the child;
  • Try to find the positive aspects of having children in your home;
  • Do not make scenes of jealousy, forcing your husband to choose either between you and the child, or between the children of both marriages;
  • Act calmly and deliberately, if possible, do not provoke conflicts;
  • If you feel that the ground is slipping from under your feet, seek professional psychological support.

In order for a peaceful atmosphere to reign in the house, it is important that:

• If the child came to visit, if possible, help to ensure that between him and the father as soon as possible there was a trusting relationship;

• If necessary, delicately remind your husband of children’s birthdays and other important dates;

• Learn to calmly respond to calls and messages from your ex-wife regarding the child — her participation in their lives goes without saying, because she is their mother;

• Try to accept that children are and will continue to play an important role in your husband’s life. There are only two options here: accept it or look for a man who is not burdened by a previous marriage.

Treat your children and your husband’s children with the same love and care — the same rewards and the same punishments. Any child will quickly notice the difference in your attitude and this can negatively affect his behavior.

How to stop feeling hostility towards “alien” children and, for example, not to be jealous for no reason?

Reasons for negative emotions can be:

1. The «new» wife does not yet have children of her own;

2. She basically does not feel joy at the thought of having a child;

3. The wife is jealous of her husband for children;

4. Worried about the thought that raising a child will have to spend too much money and effort.

How to deal with surging emotions?

  • Remind yourself again that the kids in your husband’s life are here to stay. He cannot simply forget about their existence and stop supporting them.
  • Do not force your husband to choose between the child and you — you are at great risk that the man will not choose you.
  • If you can’t perceive other people’s children as your own, then become their friend. They will probably appreciate it even more than if you tried to replace the mother they already have.
  • Don’t mix your dislike for your husband’s ex-wife with your dislike for his children.

How to make friends with your spouse’s children?

First of all, imagine yourself in the place of the child after the divorce of the parents. He, like you, is not easy, and he feels out of his element. If the child himself makes contact, then in no case push him away. Show that you can find time for him, and that it makes no sense for him to be jealous of your father. As a rule, joint pleasant events and impressions have a beneficial effect on communication and bring people together. It is impossible to burn with love for a stranger in the blink of an eye, and this is normal — let the process happen naturally. Step by step you will get used to the company of the child, and he will get used to you.

How should a father behave in order to maintain and improve relations with children from a previous marriage?

• Respect the feelings of the new wife;
• Keep the boundaries of communication with the former spouse within reason;
• Be an equally good dad for children from both marriages and not single out favorites;
• Do not equate dislike for the ex-wife with dislike for children;
• If possible, let go of old grievances or seek help from a psychologist.


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