Education systems differ depending on many factors: era, country of residence, age of children and parents, beliefs of a single family. And most often, if you ask moms and dads a question why you need to raise children, they will answer so that they are obedient and good. But how correct and pedagogical is it really? Let’s figure it out.
What is good and what is bad»
The desire to raise a “good” child, oddly enough, is not at all encouraged by child psychologists. And the point is not in the idea itself, but in what methods and methods the state of “goodness” is achieved.
Parents who raise their children according to the system “you did / acted badly” or “this one is good, but that one is bad” teach children from an early age to divide their feelings, experiences, emotions into positive and negative. Accordingly, the «good» are always encouraged, encouraged, cultivated. And the “bad” ones are condemned, criticized, suppressed in the bud. This can lead to:
- to silence the child of their problems;
- to the emergence of feelings of shame, guilt;
- to neuroses, mental problems;
- to suppress their interests, desires;
- to living someone else’s, artificial life, devoid of joy.
Shame and guilt in parenting
Shame is a feeling that a person is naturally deprived of from birth. It develops gradually, most often in childhood. If you ask a person the question «Aren’t you ashamed?» and hear in response “No, it’s not a shame!”, then some will be surprised at such an answer. However, this answer is quite natural.
But what happens if you ask the same thing to a child? As a rule, such a question is asked in a mentor’s dissatisfied tone. The child may not feel shame, but he always feels parental dissatisfaction and negativity: “Did you understand that you are dissatisfied?”
So where does the feeling of shame and guilt come from? It comes from deep childhood emotions. The child feels cold, thinks that they will stop loving him, so he does everything to no longer evoke such feelings in his parents.
The child at the level of instincts learns the rule to be good for mom and dad, always remain obedient and never make mistakes again. As a rule, such attitudes take root so firmly that in adulthood they are transferred from parents to the boss, husband or wife, the head of the club of interests.
Another significant disadvantage of such upbringing is the need to hide the “bad” part of life. The child understands that everything that goes beyond the boundaries of a “good” image will be perceived by parents as shameful, terrible, unacceptable. The child begins to close even more, hide, deceive, lie, suppress feelings and hush up problems — in adolescence, these problems are especially acute. And in adulthood, it is even fraught with ailments, for example, early hypertension.
The basics of benevolent parenting
First of all, moms and dads should realize that raising «ideal» children is not an end in itself. The pedagogical influence in the family should be friendly and correct. You can raise a happy person with the right value system and without guilt if you use the following recommendations:
- Do not shame children for mistakes, blunders, or momentary desires. For example, nothing bad will happen if he eats candy before dinner or cuts off a lock of his hair for fun;
- Encourage your child to make their own choices. Only in this way will he learn to compare, analyze and take responsibility;
- Good manners are great. But there is no need to bring it to the point of absurdity. Do not scold and shame the child if he did not use a napkin or forgot to wash his hands. In the end, you can always politely and with a smile remind about it;
- Teach your child to talk about his feelings, give him the opportunity to speak more often, ask leading questions: “Why do you think so? Why were you so worried? How are you feeling now?»;
- Give children the opportunity to make mistakes, even if you know in advance that the attempt will fail. The baby has the right to have his own experience, different from the experience of his parents;
- Never blame children, get rid of the phrases “You are a boy / girl!”, “Be quiet!”, “You are just an onion grief!”
In a calm tone, without judgment, explain to the child what is better not to do if he really causes discomfort to others or can harm himself.
The main task of upbringing is to secure the child, help him to integrate into society, fulfill his plans, dreams and live a happy life.