«Language of love»: how to talk about your feelings, and why it’s so difficult


“What words would you most like to hear from your partner?”

A post with this question not so long ago collected more than a thousand comments in one of the popular women’s communities. Do you know what was the most repeated answer?

“I will do everything myself. Have a rest.»

No matter how the writers of romantic comedies insist, life tells you that to say «I love you» it is not necessary to say «I love you» at all.

In 1990, Gary Chapman, a marriage and family counseling psychologist, published The Five Love Languages, which became not just a bestseller, but a «bible» for millions of married and loving couples.

The Five Love Languages ​​explains why even loving people sometimes find it so difficult to understand each other, and helps you master the most important and most difficult language in the world — the language of love that your partner communicates.

We have prepared a short summary of Chapmpen’s book to make it easier for you to understand the «linguistics of feelings» and take the first steps towards mutual understanding and strengthening affection with your loved ones.

Why is it so hard for us to talk about our feelings?

Dr. Chapman explains:

Talking about your feelings is not easy for everyone. In many families, this is not encouraged and even condemned. The child asks for a new toy and listens to a lecture about the plight of the family budget. He understands that he was guilty, and quickly learns not to show desire. The child is angry, the parents scold him. The child understands that expressing dissatisfaction is not accepted. The child is upset: his father did not take him to the store with him, his parents reproach him, and he learns to keep grief to himself. And now, having matured, he not only gets used to hiding feelings, he does not notice them.

Why is it important to know the «language of love» — ​​yours and your partner’s?

Dr. Chapman explains:

The language in which you express love can be different from the language of your partner, like English from Chinese. It is useless to declare your love in English if the partner understands only Chinese. <...> We cannot rely on our mother tongue if our partner does not understand it. It’s not enough to just be sincere. In love, you need to explain yourself in the language of the one you love.

How do you define your «love language»?

Dr. Chapman advises:

So, there are three ways to define your love language:

1. What hurts you? The reverse is probably your native language.
2. What do you most often ask your partner for? Perhaps this is what love is for you.
3. How do you express love yourself? Perhaps this is your love language.

What kind «languages ​​of love» exist?

Dr Chapman says:

I’ve been working with couples for twenty years, and here’s what I’ve come to realize: There are five primary love languages—five ways people express love. How you declare your love depends only on your imagination. It is important to do this in the language of your companion.



What to do?

  • Arrange surprises and holidays
  • Make gifts (including without a reason)
  • Send postcards and bring souvenirs
  • Leave notes with declarations of love
  • Don’t forget memorable dates

Dr. Chapman explains:

To give someone a gift, you have to think about it. A gift is a symbol of this thought. It doesn’t matter how much money you spent. The main thing is that you thought about the person. Only this thought of yours, which was reflected in the gift, is dear.

Remember that a gift does not have to be expensive, the main thing is that it should be meaningful — and with love! Poster game for two: “33 ways to confess your love without saying “I love you” is perfect for this task. This is a gift that literally speaks for itself — and for you! Even if you communicate with a partner in different languages.


What to do?

  • Ask and offer help
  • Willingly respond to requests
  • Take care of household and family affairs
  • Solve problems
  • Don’t Forget Promises

Dr. Chapman recalls:

Praise, support, requests help your partner feel their importance. They bring you closer, heal wounds, and allow your partner to get what they want in life. <...> When you ask a partner, you confirm his value, his merits. In essence, you show that he is able to do something important and useful for you.

Dr. Chapman warns:

Requests give direction to love. Demands stop the flow of love. <...> If we demand, put ultimatums, we destroy any possibility of intimacy, we push our partner away. If, when communicating our desires, we ask, this is a guide to action.


What to do?

  • Listen attentively
  • Divide Interests
  • Have joint hobbies and rituals
  • Spend quality time together
  • Avoid long separations

Dr. Chapman recalls:

When you do something together, you have shared memories. It is an inexhaustible source of joy.

Dr. Chapman warns:

The main thing for someone who speaks the language of time is to be with a partner. I don’t say close. Two people sitting side by side in the same room are not necessarily together. Being together means paying attention to each other. <...> Some people think that they spend time together, although in reality they just live under the same roof. They are close: in the same house, at the same time, but they are not together.

Figuring out what to do together is not always easy, especially if you have known each other not so long ago. But we have a solution! Quest game for couples in love «YOU ARE MY SPACE: 33 ideas for unforgettable dates» will help you find non-banal (and simple!) ideas for romantic meetings and bring excitement to relationships.


What to do?

  • Praise, admire (including publicly)
  • To compliment
  • encourage, support
  • show solidarity
  • Avoid criticism

Dr. Chapman recalls:

Compliments, words of encouragement and requests increase your partner’s self-esteem. They create a sense of closeness and bring out the potential of your significant other.

Dr. Chapman warns:

Don’t use praise to get your way. This is not love. Praise your partner to please him.


What to do?

  • Maintain regular tactile contact: touching, stroking, kissing, hugging
  • Touch to get attention
  • show tenderness
  • To make love
  • avoid rejection

Dr. Chapman recalls:

Touch differs from the other four senses in that touch receptors are located throughout the body, rather than in any one area. They perceive external stimuli and convert them into electrical signals. The brain analyzes these signals. This is how we recognize hot and cold, hard and soft. We can feel good or hurt. So you can feel whether we are loved or hated.

Dr. Chapman explains:

When we are in trouble, we want someone to lend a hand to us. Literally. Why? Touch expresses love. And if a person is having a hard time, he needs love. Love helps him cope with trouble. <…> Expressing love to a partner in the language of touch can be done in different ways. There are tactile receptors throughout the body, which means that any gentle touch speaks of love.

In the end, each couple invents their own language of love, sometimes without words at all. And from these half-hints, glances, gestures and micro-quotes, understandable only to two, the magic of the most tender and most honest confessions is born.

If you are just groping for a joint language of love with your soul mate, present our poster game for two: “33 ways to confess your love without saying “I love” — he will say everything without words.

And for those who have long since learned to hear and understand each other, the poster game will help to retell about their feelings and breathe newness into relationships.

Dr. Chapman recommends:

Invest in love, this is the most reliable investment.


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